Nail Clippers

So I understand that my handsome charcoal eyebrows, gently sloping nose, and generally hairless appearance don't exactly fit the All-American caricature, but seriously, TSA? Seriously?

After being not so subtly implicated in a transcontinental drug cartel network two weeks ago at JFK Airport, my patriotism was again called into question as my sweet countenance made its way past the Long Beach Airport metal detectors. The incriminating evidence this time? Ryan and Colin, take it away:

TSA guy: Sir, is this your bag?
Me: Yeah.
TSA guy: I'm going to take a look inside, ok?
Me: Ok.
TSA guy: It was in this side pocket here.
Me: What was in the side pocket?
TSA guy: Let me check it out. I'm not sure what it was.

TSA guy takes out the Ziploc bag containing my toiletry. His pupils dilate.

TSA guy: These are nail clippers?

TSA guy is holding my nail clippers.

Me: Yeah.
TSA guy: I mean, nail clippers are not a problem. These are just big.
Me: Yeah they are.
TSA guy: Hey, check out these nail clippers. This is the biggest nail clipper I've seen.

TSA guy calls over TSA girl and TSA guy #2.

TSA guy #2: Wow.
Me: I guess they don't make em like this anymore.
TSA guy #2: Did they ever? Damn.

Just leave your nail clippers at home.