Hm Love

Summer's been very relaxing. Even after recovering from the effects of Grad Night, I have gone on napping binges this first week and a half of vacation, as if I am compensating for all the sleep I've lost during my six years at Oxford. The greatest part about this summer is that there is no summer homework. As I've come to find out, those assignments are hardly worth any worry - and don't count for much of your grade anyway - but even my favorite escapist outlets like Madden 2003 and Kobe highlights on Youtube failed to shove unfinished Lively Art of Writing assignment out of my head last year. In the middle of breaking off on a 20-yd run with Michael Vick, I would be reminded of the elements of the full thesis, and that immediately deflated my excitement. Anyway, I am looking forward to my first stress-free summer in a long while.

One of my goals is to stop being so laid back. I've been wondering whether the label of Southern Californians as carefree and nonchalant is true, and all I can say for sure is that it seems an accurate description of me and people I know. It can be usually seen in the simple things in our daily lives: answering e-mails, returning phone calls, hanging out with friends, eating lunch together. There have been too many times when a friend sent me an IM while I was away, and I conveniently forgot to get back to the person. Too many times I've forgotten to reply to e-mails, too many times I've replied "maybe" to a friend's invitation and not given an update, too many times I've come late to a gathering because I had "something else going on." In some ways, I think Oxford has worsened my problem. Because there is so much work to do and so many deadlines to keep track of, we seek some sort of leeway and moments in unthinking vegetative state in other areas of life. But of course, that's no excuse, and I have to keep in mind that forgetting my obligations may make my life easier but other people's lives hell. I am going to start making sure that I am more prompt, organized, and respectful of others.

And well, the other reason I mention this is, you figure this is the sort of thing you have to master before you pursue something like, oh, let's say love. If you think about it, love and relationships are all about commitment and obligations. Especially if you are a guy. Aside from tasks like showing up to dinner on time and returning your girlfriend's calls (usually a wise thing to do), women expect you to respect the way they do things, to listen to their discourse on life, and make personal sacrifices for "us". This isn't anything unusual; any time you coexist with someone, you naturally learn to yield and compromise for the other person. Now I would imagine this dramatically ratchets up in intensity once you get married, and thus the reason why I'm planning to choose cohabitation instead.

But while we're on the subject of love... I keep wondering if it exists or not - even though the question doesn't really have a practical application. I used to think I was in love. I liked a girl for something like 3 years, and I thought the relative permanence of it made it special. At the time I appreciated her for who she was. But then things didn't work out and then I went through the coping period. The refractory period, if you will. But then a couple months later, I felt ready to "love" someone else. What the fuck was going on? That was when I started questioning love.

I tend to believe that what we call love is actually lust in disguise, an attraction that serves a biological purpose. Is there a way to tell the difference between love and lust? Many people who claim to be in love defend their feeling by saying they appreciate their significant other's personality rather than appearance. But just because an attraction runs deeper than skin, it doesn't mean an upgrade to love is warranted. Lust is a device for both survival and perpetuation of self through offspring, and finding someone with a suitable personality seems to aid both. In other words, personality is a factor that increases a partner's appeal just like wealth or good looks, and I see true love transcending any appeal of sorts.

I will, however, defend love for the following reasons. First, just because human beings are animals and share the same primitive instincts, it doesn't prove we are able to channel only the biological attraction associated with animals. We do have a more complex nervous system, one that has seemingly made religion and morals possible. Love could be another exclusive creation of our brain (but of course, so could be our psychological need to craft a word such as love). Secondly, many people have portrayed love as a kind of spiritual redemption, a definition that I honestly like. By learning to love another, human beings are able to reconcile with their own shortcomings and moral failures, and they come closer to achieving that permanent peaceful state of mind and knowledge of self that are so elusive yet desirable. They dedicate their lives to elevating the soul of their significant other, and doing so is emotionally and psychologically fulfilling.

As you may imagine, me being a soulless bitch and all, I have never personally experienced this however much I appreciate the definition. If this definition were true, though, it would be possible - and deemed necessary, in my opinion - to love more than one person in your lifetime. That's because presumably, it would take time and experience to learn to love someone properly. But that makes me wonder, does everyone have an opportunity to practice this kind of love and undergo spiritual redemption? I would think you would need to find a significant other who presents that opportunity for redemption. In Marilynne Robinson's Gilead and Bernard Malamud's Magic Barrel, the two authors hint that one needs to be have suffered to take part in this redeeming love. So does that mean love cannot be possible between people who don't understand suffering? Also, I wonder if one would need to have prior knowledge of this definition of love to even know to seek it in life. Without the aid of religious teachings or works like Gilead guiding us along in this journey, is it even possible to conceive of the deeper love? Is this love natural - and necessary - like language?

It's hot nowadays.

Graduation and Grad Night

I came home from grad night at 6 in the morning today and slept until 4 p.m., which is two hours ago. What a crazy two days.

A brief summary:

Senior Breakfast: Scrambled eggs and potatoes a.k.a. the entire meal minus bacon were terrible. But the senior video and open mic part 2 made up for it. An's speech was hm humbling and Jennifer Choi was hilarious as usual. I got the "most likely to take over the world with intelligence, wit, and humor" class award along with a package of army men. I think if I took over the world, the first thing I would do is demand my own massage parlor and then visit different parts of the world. For some reason, I keep thinking I would like multiple concubines but I wouldn't know what to do with them.

Graduation: I was anxious for no particular reason. I'm glad I didn't sign up for a speech because I would've been too nervous to deliver it properly, and the people who did deliver speeches did an awesome job. Jake and James provided a great opening punch with their interplay, which started with Kanye West's "Amazing." Peter was sincere and poised, Lauren humble and proud, and Anaoshak ooh'ed the crowd with his slight at the basketball team record (I heard Meloche praise the placement and rhetorical efficacy of the comment afterward).

After the ceremony, I took a lot of pictures with friends and tried to smile as often as possible. It felt good to shake hands and give them a pat on the back. And then I took some pictures with my entire family, which I hadn't done in many, many years.

Grad Night: I used to play mini golf quite frequently so I enjoyed reliving those memories. My putting skill was still intact and I sank several shots from the edges of the course. Erik Carpio lost something like four balls in a row because he tried to hit some of the props (lighthouse, windows of a mansion, etc). I played laser tag for the first time and it was ok. I wish the system kept track of my kills and deaths for bragging rights, but it was still pretty fun to run around sniping people. The whole maze setting with the pulsating music was entertaining. Arcade games were kind of boring just because I don't really enjoy racing or shooting games, and I also sucked at the mini bowling. I find it troubling that I can't even roll a ball straight.

The highlight of the night/morning was undoubtedly the hypnotist. One of the first things he said when he introduced himself was that he was a certified professional. I laughed because that's like saying you are certified in kicking ass or being a bitch, but I was intrigued nevertheless because I had never seen a "live hypnosis show" as he called it. I actually thought about volunteering for the heck of it but I figured I couldn't be hypnotized without a chemical aid. When the show finally started, the guy droned on and on about relaxing and going to sleep. Deeper and deeper, your worries and problems are melting away, blah blah that shit. Surprisingly, Kathleen was out in maybe two minutes. She was slumped forward with her head hanging down. Most of the volunteers- Rachel Burley, Boawen, Gerard, Peter Nguyen, and of course Albert- were not hypnotized but they decided to stay up there anyway and go along with it. Albert's acting was hilarious.

The two people that I confidently believed would not be hypnotized, however, did. Jake and Vaibhav. The hypnotist told Jake to make sure no one laughs, and he started getting angry at all of us. He was completely serious the whole time and took care of the situation the way I would expect him to in real life. I know he was not acting because knowing him, he would not have been able to hold back his laughter. Then in another sequence, the hypnotist told the volunteers to laugh at everything he said as if it were the funniest thing they had ever heard. Jake laughed the way he normally does - and even said out loud "what a funny motherfucker" - but there were clearly signs of derangement or an unnatural compulsion of sort. As for Vaibhav, when the hypnotist pretended to give out lottery tickets for a $80 mil jackpot, he started crying when he realized he hadn't won. And when told to show off a new Ferrari to a hot girl, he put on some hilariously grotesque face expressions I had never seen before.

Anyway while all of this was absolutely hilarious for the most part, I couldn't help feeling uneasy and at some moments, terrified by my friends' behavior. The thought of being able to control somebody like that is frightening. I still stick with my belief, though, that it is possible to "fight off" hypnosis by remaining skeptical and alert.

Graduation

So tomorrow is graduation. It's ridiculous how quickly time passed. I can honestly remember my first day at Oxford like it were yesterday. Well not all of it but I remember coming home exhausted and having to take a nap. And then the next five years are a blur in my memory. Junior year was painfully long and so was much of this year but it's all over. I think many people will agree that it's unexpectedly a bittersweet feeling. As close as I've felt to my classmates, I was never really fond of Oxford and wanted to move on to college as soon as possible but I think I will actually miss this place. For me, the only thing that matters now about my past six years is the people I've met. I'm going to try hard to keep in touch with these people. Talking to my old friends and hearing what they are up to is one of the few things that gets me excited.

Let's see, senior week was pretty fun. At Sunset, it was nice to hear from a lot of people during open mic, and nice to hear that most of them leave with positive memories of Oxford. Thanks to Boawen, Tara, and Charlie for the letters - I will keep those in a safe place. At Senior Recess, I relived my semi-childhood days with a game of Jailbreak. I never knew a volleyball court is the perfect arena for this. The net is just high enough that you can reach up and drop the ball but it also allows the opposing player enough time to get it if he's quick enough. And at Senior Drive-In, I played some basketball with the guys. Highlights included me blocking Dho and Will Nguyen, Kristin actually joining us for a game, and then a halfcourt shootout with very very large stakes that was actually never agreed upon (not consensual). Anyway good opportunities to bond with fellow classmates.

This just occurred to me. Me leaving Oxford with an overall positive impression feels similar to forgiving someone. On paper, my experience at Oxford isn't probably all that great. But just as you inevitably forgive your friend's bitchass behavior, you somehow learn to soften and let things pass, perhaps even feel good about it. I am not too sure if this coping mechanism is a good thing. On one hand, it is helpful to not dwell on bad memories and stagnant relationships. But on the other, you are lying to yourself. You reinterpret your experiences with a bias, a bias not simply resulting from the fact that you are living your life and thus tend to look at things a certain way, but a bias intended to make good come out of bad. What your friend did is wrong, and you have every right to spurn them. It is your friend who should feel bad about the whole situation, not you. But you end up forgiving the person anyway whether it takes days, months, or years. Justice is not served. But oh well, justice is rarely served anyway.