Dream

Wow I don't update this often. But I just had this strange dream and thought I should share it with you:

I am at some woman's house and I see two fish tanks. One tank is ginormous and has one big stingray along with some small fishies. The second one has piranhas. I notice that the water level in one of the tanks is too high and I tell that to the woman. Then before I know it, all the fish are gone in both tanks. The woman explains she will follow my advice, but she also wants to renovate the tanks. Then I see the stingray out of its tank and I start panicking. As the woman prepares the ginormous tank, I look through this pamphlet that shows how to place the stingray back into the water once it has been out of the water. There are at least ten different scenarios and ten different ways to place the stingray back into the water. I finally find the right one and am overjoyed to see the stingray breathe in the water. For a long time, I admire the stingray inside the fish tank (I am inside the fish tank and underwater but can somehow breathe.) The woman comes inside the tank and starts creating these mounds on the tank floor. Then she places strips of kimchi on each mound, and I ask her why. She says it's food for the stingray, and I laugh my ass off even in the dream. I tell her that there needs to be finer sand for the stingray at the bottom of the tank and suddenly the finer sand materializes. The tank is complete. Next I find myself walking to the tennis courts at Central Park. I am pushing this cart that has my tennis racket on top along with the stingray. The courts are full and I patiently wait. A guy playing tells me some dude just cut me in line for the tennis courts. I look back and see a Latino guy who is also waiting. The guy playing confronts the Latino guy about it and I don't remember how it is resolved. I look back again and then I see Kie and James, the two instructors over at TSI Academy. James admires the stingray and tries to appease my fears that it has been out of the water for too long. At this time, I am panicking because I fear the stingray will die so I rush home and put it back in the tank. The end.

Here's the parts of the dream that I can account for:

-Aquarium/stringray: While talking to Joseph Chung yesterday, I realized that my dream job is to become an aquarium curator. I also just enjoy thinking about fish and other marine creatures. Recently I have been thinking about getting an aquarium.

-Layers of kimchi: My subconscious craving for my cultural food?

-Fine sand: On Friday, I examined the sand of the baseball field at Oxford and was impressed how... fine it was.

-Latino guy at tennis courts: My subconscious fear that I am inherently at a disadvantage in my pursuit of Latinas?

-Kie: I have repeatedly associated Kie with Stewwie Griffin, and I happened to watch a snippit of the Family Guy Show last night.

Haha does anybody want to offer a different interpretation of the dream?

Summer Song

So I've been watching some Dr. Phil lately. My snack time falls around 4 p.m., and there's really nothing good on TV since I don't have cable. Now, I've made fun of Dr. Phil in the past, but man, you have to watch the show to really get a feel for this guy. I understand a talk show based on giving advice to people is bound to be limited. You can only say so many original things to people on the show. But Dr. Phil takes it to the next level. He spends the first 30 minutes of the show exploring the facts of the case. Once he begins talking to the guests about their problems, he not only throws around platitudes like "You need to take control of your own life," but also harasses victims of the circumstances with childish questions. A few weeks ago, he invited three women who, despite being cheated on and abused by their partners, could not move on with their lives. Dr. Phil spent most of the time restating the facts of the case in a dramatic and disbelieving manner, relentlessly interrogating the women why they wanted to stay with their husbands. Now we all know that the women's behavior is irrational. This is nothing knew- we get it. What Dr. Phil needs to do is provide a supportive public forum where by confronting new questions, the victims can reevaluate their situation. They are on the show because they need concrete and detailed advice on getting out of their mess, not because they want to be bullied in front of a live audience.

Speaking of battered women, it really gets me when I hear about Latinas getting abused. It seems to be a cultural thing in Latin America. Males are supposed to be super macho, and it's acceptable for them to boss around the females. Girls grow up thinking it is natural to be mistreated and beaten by males, or they tell themselves they will resist the trend but somehow they end up in the same fate. You can even see it here as early as junior high or high school. Now if you consider the socioeconomic situation of many of these women/girls along with other social and psychological roadblocks so prevalent in their immigrant experience, it becomes clear that their chances of succeeding are handicapped. It's not a stereotype- facts are facts. I guess this is one reason why I am drawn to Latinas. I want so badly to see them break the trend in their families and rise against the odds. It is so empowering to see individuals work hard for their dreams and be rewarded what they deserve. So what does this have to do with my romantic exploits? Well, I could help out by tutoring the Latina on SAT's... that would be rewarding and romantic. Do I sound imperialistic?

I always talk about how old I am. Being 19, I have indeed seen much of the world and experienced a lot of things. But what makes me feel old is mainly this strange trait that has taken hold in me. I hardly feel any emotions anymore. My sensory neurons seem to still fire fairly quickly to external stimuli (my amazing sense of smell) but my emotional response to things has been somehow muted. There are many times in my life when I experience something and think to myself what I should be feeling logically. But the act of feeling is usually delayed or suppressed. Or it's just not as apparent as it used to be. This has been frustrating mainly because I have been making conscious efforts to "live it up" this year. I have tried to spend more quality time with friends and try new things. Yet I have found that none of it really makes me happy. I mean I can look back at the times and say "I had fun" but in truth the memories are dim and all I can remember is the passage of time. My first ever visit to Disneyland on my 19th birthday, for example. I was really looking forward to it because it's the happiest place on Earth and I had never been there. And when I got there, I can't say it disappointed me, but I just felt very empty (later I got really dizzy and sick but that was the deadly combination of teacup ride and turkey leg.) I can't really describe what it was, other than the fact that I couldn't get myself to be excited about it. I really hope it's not apathy. I really hope I don't have an icebox where my heart used to be.

Oh but one thing: that foolish infatuation thing is still in play apparently.

And now to finish my post, here are some lyrics from the song "Summer Song" by Atmosphere. It's quite amazing.

The sun is shining but I'm in the shadow of my smirk
I keep my breathin under my breath
Tucked within the untrimmed bushes next to her front steps
And when she leaves to make trek towards the bus stop
My love erupts (POPS) a thousand tiny blood clots
Damn I wish that she was mine but time and time over the discretion
On my right shoulder whispers to my ear
Advising me to admire from way over here, play the rear
And struggle for the view to clear
It's been 2 years and quite a few beers
Too many loose tears and a few souveniers
And if she only knew, how long I've waited for her
How her smiles enough to make my winter warmer
If she knew the way she walks could take away my storm
She'd probably call the cops and get a restraining order
As much as I hate myself, I hate you more
But I still smile when you come through that door
And as much as I hate my life, I hate yours too
Just can't seem to teach myself to ignore you
This is for the ladies, not every lady
Just the ones that drive me crazy, the ones that scream SAVE ME

The Wait is Over

It's been over three months since my last update, the longest hiatus yet, and ironically it started just as I was finishing up my college apps and the first semester of senior year. I thought once those two things were done, my life would be free and full of new opportunities. But really, my life hasn't been any less hectic or busy than before, if not more hectic and busier. I guess it really is true that life is all about the process and not the end product. Kind of depressing since I like the end product. Anyway, here's a recap of some interesting events that happened over last three months:

-Science Bowl Competition: For some strange reason, competitions have been some of my most treasured memories in high school. The academic decathlon award ceremony can't be topped, but Science Bowl was just as fun. Each of us specialized in a subject: Edwin and David Tran covered physics (Edwin also specialized in all other sciences), Joaquin Astronomy, David Le Biology, and I got Math. And despite finishing 3-2, we really rocked it. We answered a lot of questions and showed great improvement from last year. I truly believe if Santa Monica, last year's National Champion, weren't in our group, we would've gotten a lot farther in the competition. But it was good nevertheless.

The best part of it all was the study sessions prior to the competition. We took turns hosting the party (it really was) on Friday nights, practicing with sample question sets online and then usually eating afterward. I got to know the members much better, and it was just fun to make science jokes with people who understood.

-Journalism competition: Thanks to Meloche not checking his old e-mail after his departure, we nearly missed registration for our annual competition. Actually we did miss registration but by an incredible series of events, we managed to locate the contest organizer and register a week after the deadline. And we ended up winning first place overall for the first time ever, with the majority of our writers placing in the Top 10. It was really an amazing showing, and I couldn't be prouder of our staff. I mean Troy had won something like six out of the last ten years, and there were lots of other tough competitors in Division I including Sunny Hills and El Toro. But we triumphed!

-Regular journalism stuff: For me, The Gamut this year could be best described as frustrating. It's sad because I had so much anticipation for our paper, so many ambitions. I thought I would have a lot of time in my senior year, and I could work more closely with writers to improve their skills, help them create compelling work. I feel I am not spending enough time to do these things yet I am constantly fighting for time. I am not sending edits back quickly enough, and I am also letting the writers struggle with stories instead of offering detailed suggestions and advice... Really frustrating but I don't know if I could've done anything differently. Overall, I really enjoy interacting with our staff and from this point on, I just hope we could bond more.

-Playing basketball with Ashish: Ashish decided to get rid of the swimming pool in his backyard and move his basketball court there. His backyard is pretty spacious and now he has a decent court. On weekends I've had more time to play basketball with him, and it's been good just catching up and talking while shooting hoops. It's actually a pretty scenic spot, and we can see the sunset, though you know, that kind of moment is better spent with your soulmate.

One interesting incident, though, was when Ashish and I decided to go play basketball at Miller Elementary one evening. It was getting really dark so that the rim was almost impossible to distinguish, and then we saw this girl approaching us from the back. She was a Latina, which was an intriguing fact at the time, but as she came closer, I noticed she looked about 12 or 13. She said, "Hey guys, how are you doing?" and at that moment, I was thinking two things: 1) she wanted to play basketball with us 2) she wanted to buy/sell/do something else with weed. I don't know why weed came up as an option, but after the girl left, Ashish said the same thing so maybe it was not such an irrational thought.

Anyway, it turned out that her slightly out-of-shape younger brother was stuck in the kindergarten playground. He had jumped over the fence (lol) to enter the playground but after playing for hours, he had apparently exhausted his energy and could not jump back. The siblings wanted to go home but the brother was stuck. I found this pretty fucking hilarious, especially because the youngest sister was climbing the fence back and forth to try to teach her brother. But technique or no technique, 9.8m/s^2 was relentlessly pulling him down. So I came up with the brilliant idea of removing the youngest sibling from the stroller, raising the stroller over the fence to the other side, and letting the brother use it as a step to climb over. It worked, we all had a good laugh, and I saved the day.

-Turning 19. My birthday passed uneventfully as I grew another tree ring. It's really hard to wrap my head around how old I am. I mean in another year, I will be 20. 20! In a couple years, that won't be young enough for Dominican baseball prospects. Meanwhile I have to start worrying about paying my bills, preparing grocery lists, eating healthy, and all that stuff. Oh and I have to get married, for god sakes. All I want to do right now is settle down and raise me a family. Or at least start cohabitation. Oh, and I'm also ready for a divorce.

There are many more things I want to talk about, but since this post has already run too long, I will briefly talk about the movie Watchmen before I forget. If you haven't watched it yet, don't read further.

I have never been too comfortable about superhero movies carrying didactic or philosophical statements. To me, the two just don't go together. I watch superheroes to see their awesome mutant powers and superhuman abilities. I don't want the movie to lead me to questions about who is really the good or the bad guy or whether the superhero should continue using the powers. I have reality to pose those questions on a daily basis. And to be honest, I haven't seen any good superhero movie that manages to deliver both good action and philosophical material. That's because you can only go so far with a false premise, a plotline already so detached from the reality that those bigger picture musings just sound downright silly or ludicrous.

That's precisely the problem with Watchmen. The ending was maddening. You let a mass murderer go free because why? Because he cared about the overall good? First of all, it's a shaky assumption that just because the society can place the blame for its problems on someone (Dr. Manhattan), it will be able to maintain a long-term stability and peace. But even if that were true, it is still inexcusable to let Ozymandias go free. Mass murder is not something you can condone, something you can "compromise" in Rorschach's words. You cannot justify the Holocaust. You cannot justify child rape. There are hard and fast rules governing criminal behavior in today's society, and thank god they are there. Unfortunately, the only character who seems to agree with me, Rorschach, gets blown up by the multi-penis god.

The Watchmen seems to suggest that if you have a honest and believable reason for doing something, it's justified. The Comedian wanted to satirize life. He understood that human nature is savage, and thus he lived as the hyperbolic representation of human savagery. He killed the Vietnamese woman who bore his son and nearly raped Silk Spectre's mother because he understood! He knew better than anyone else how evil humans could become! So does that justify his behavior? No. Imagine if today's society tolerated such actions. Who can say what is for the overall good of the human race, and at what cost? Giving the human race too much credit can be very dangerous.