Hm Love

Summer's been very relaxing. Even after recovering from the effects of Grad Night, I have gone on napping binges this first week and a half of vacation, as if I am compensating for all the sleep I've lost during my six years at Oxford. The greatest part about this summer is that there is no summer homework. As I've come to find out, those assignments are hardly worth any worry - and don't count for much of your grade anyway - but even my favorite escapist outlets like Madden 2003 and Kobe highlights on Youtube failed to shove unfinished Lively Art of Writing assignment out of my head last year. In the middle of breaking off on a 20-yd run with Michael Vick, I would be reminded of the elements of the full thesis, and that immediately deflated my excitement. Anyway, I am looking forward to my first stress-free summer in a long while.

One of my goals is to stop being so laid back. I've been wondering whether the label of Southern Californians as carefree and nonchalant is true, and all I can say for sure is that it seems an accurate description of me and people I know. It can be usually seen in the simple things in our daily lives: answering e-mails, returning phone calls, hanging out with friends, eating lunch together. There have been too many times when a friend sent me an IM while I was away, and I conveniently forgot to get back to the person. Too many times I've forgotten to reply to e-mails, too many times I've replied "maybe" to a friend's invitation and not given an update, too many times I've come late to a gathering because I had "something else going on." In some ways, I think Oxford has worsened my problem. Because there is so much work to do and so many deadlines to keep track of, we seek some sort of leeway and moments in unthinking vegetative state in other areas of life. But of course, that's no excuse, and I have to keep in mind that forgetting my obligations may make my life easier but other people's lives hell. I am going to start making sure that I am more prompt, organized, and respectful of others.

And well, the other reason I mention this is, you figure this is the sort of thing you have to master before you pursue something like, oh, let's say love. If you think about it, love and relationships are all about commitment and obligations. Especially if you are a guy. Aside from tasks like showing up to dinner on time and returning your girlfriend's calls (usually a wise thing to do), women expect you to respect the way they do things, to listen to their discourse on life, and make personal sacrifices for "us". This isn't anything unusual; any time you coexist with someone, you naturally learn to yield and compromise for the other person. Now I would imagine this dramatically ratchets up in intensity once you get married, and thus the reason why I'm planning to choose cohabitation instead.

But while we're on the subject of love... I keep wondering if it exists or not - even though the question doesn't really have a practical application. I used to think I was in love. I liked a girl for something like 3 years, and I thought the relative permanence of it made it special. At the time I appreciated her for who she was. But then things didn't work out and then I went through the coping period. The refractory period, if you will. But then a couple months later, I felt ready to "love" someone else. What the fuck was going on? That was when I started questioning love.

I tend to believe that what we call love is actually lust in disguise, an attraction that serves a biological purpose. Is there a way to tell the difference between love and lust? Many people who claim to be in love defend their feeling by saying they appreciate their significant other's personality rather than appearance. But just because an attraction runs deeper than skin, it doesn't mean an upgrade to love is warranted. Lust is a device for both survival and perpetuation of self through offspring, and finding someone with a suitable personality seems to aid both. In other words, personality is a factor that increases a partner's appeal just like wealth or good looks, and I see true love transcending any appeal of sorts.

I will, however, defend love for the following reasons. First, just because human beings are animals and share the same primitive instincts, it doesn't prove we are able to channel only the biological attraction associated with animals. We do have a more complex nervous system, one that has seemingly made religion and morals possible. Love could be another exclusive creation of our brain (but of course, so could be our psychological need to craft a word such as love). Secondly, many people have portrayed love as a kind of spiritual redemption, a definition that I honestly like. By learning to love another, human beings are able to reconcile with their own shortcomings and moral failures, and they come closer to achieving that permanent peaceful state of mind and knowledge of self that are so elusive yet desirable. They dedicate their lives to elevating the soul of their significant other, and doing so is emotionally and psychologically fulfilling.

As you may imagine, me being a soulless bitch and all, I have never personally experienced this however much I appreciate the definition. If this definition were true, though, it would be possible - and deemed necessary, in my opinion - to love more than one person in your lifetime. That's because presumably, it would take time and experience to learn to love someone properly. But that makes me wonder, does everyone have an opportunity to practice this kind of love and undergo spiritual redemption? I would think you would need to find a significant other who presents that opportunity for redemption. In Marilynne Robinson's Gilead and Bernard Malamud's Magic Barrel, the two authors hint that one needs to be have suffered to take part in this redeeming love. So does that mean love cannot be possible between people who don't understand suffering? Also, I wonder if one would need to have prior knowledge of this definition of love to even know to seek it in life. Without the aid of religious teachings or works like Gilead guiding us along in this journey, is it even possible to conceive of the deeper love? Is this love natural - and necessary - like language?

It's hot nowadays.