Dear College Girls,
Well, another semester has gone by since I last wrote, and as promised, I am writing again. For those of you who are done with finals, congratulations on surviving what seemed to be a mentally and emotionally exhausting semester for many of us. For those of you who are done with finals and took organic chemistry, congratulations on making it back to Earth safely. And the rest of you who still have shit to do, you are almost liberated so keep your head up. Whether you are heading home for the break or not, I hope you all take the time to sleep in, be titillated, and cuddle with animate or inanimate objects. I leave the order up to you.
For me, I will always remember this semester as a particularly laborious and tiring one, much more so than it looks on paper, and for a number of reasons I may or may not explain later. But let's talk about you, girls. I know we didn't get to talk a whole lot, and with some of you, I spent the whole semester trying to come up with a time we could meet for a meal. I apologize for my elusiveness, and the headache, coughing, and fever that some of you subsequently experienced as a result of the Min Withdrawal Syndrome. But even though we may have not talked much or seen each other often, don't think for a second that I was not concerned about you. I mentioned last time that I want all of you to be confident and proud females who understand the dynamics of college relationships and make sound decisions that sit well with you. For the most part, I saw this happening but there was one area of concern.
According to Wikipedia, the first evidence of leggings dates back to 14th century Europe. Both men and women wore them at the time, and because of their "warmth and protection", they were later adopted by French fur trappers, mountain men, and even Native Americans. I tend to believe that Native Americans probably were the first to craft these delicious skin huggers, perhaps using the fur of woolly mammoths, but you get the general idea. Leggings have been around for a while. So the apparent resurgence of gossamer goody in your closets doesn't surprise me too much, although I can't help but think that leggings nowadays confer more than just warmth and protection from the frigid Boston winds. Yes, they also look extremely velvety and probably offer a sensation superior to the one I had when I slept without a shirt on for the first time. That was about two weeks ago.
But I just want to say that you should not at all feel pressured to fit into a semi-translucent tube if you don't gain pleasure from the soft, warm fabric. Everyone wants to look good in public, but some of you put extra undue burden on yourself to look good in front of a particular male appendage. While this may achieve short-term gains (see: club floor), it really obfuscates your search for a genuine and loving partner, if you care about such a thing. All you are doing is selecting for a partner who loves your body and the way it fits into those leggings. Yes, the penis power only grows stronger as a result.
If you are still interested in putting together a provocative appearance, though, I humbly put forth the recommendation of hoop earrings. Let me first dispel a common myth: hoop earrings are not the exclusive cultural property of dwellers of Central and South America. It has merely been well observed that absolute sexiness is achieved when they don these aural treasures. Any patent that may have existed has now expired, and you are free to add hoop earrings to your apparel as well. The beauty of hoop earrings is that they single-handedly proffer a nuanced presentation of your character, projecting both elegance and sordidness, radiance of innocence and shadows of desire. When done right, they manage to convey a dignified, unassuming beauty while hinting at darker corridors that open to your soul. Kind of like yin and yang, really.
So why should you try hoop earrings? There is profuse evidence to suggest that organisms are hard-wired with sexual preferences for certain morphological traits. Female platyfishes, for example, are inherently more attracted to male platyfishes with long sword tails whether these tails are natural or not. Although lack of funding opportunities has prevented me from exploring the appeal of symmetric circular jewelry in humans, aside from consulting my own opinions, I strongly believe it is universal. More importantly, all of you have access to this advantageous trait. But because it can be difficult to navigate the tremendous variety of colors, sizes, and styles of hoop earrings, I have included videos that may help.
Rest up over this winter break, and I wish all of you a merry and safe holiday season. Until January, farewell my lovely boos.
Sincerely,
Min
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