Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

I am on a fucking blogging roll. Honestly I'm trying to write everything down before I get to Harvard because I know I am not going to have time to do it as often (it referring to blogging.) So I am just taking care of business like Rick Pitino. Yes, every blog post from now on will have a reference to Rick Pitino.

I had seen the FOX show “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” only twice or so, but I was nevertheless excited about attending my first television screening. My friend from Gamut invited me to spend the day with her and her two friends, one of whom happens to be a friend of my old friend from elementary school. Not that this matters, but he is my closest look-alike I have ever seen; I plan to employ him as a stunt double or alibi should such a need ever arise.

When we arrived at the venue and patiently waited in line for the start of the screening, we were rather surprised by the demographics of the audience. A sturdy representation of white folks was present, as expected. But hardly any Asians, if at all (we saw an Asian guy coming out of the previous screening with a white girlfriend, which greatly lifted my spirits). This was a free event, an opportunity made for our people. There should have been throngs of them waiting in line two hours prior to the screening, eating cup noodles and playing hand games to withstand the boredom. There is even Korean folklore about our brave mothers walking miles for free shit. I guess our relatively short history in this beautiful continent has kept us from discovering these hidden sources of entertainment. After all, this was my time going to a screening too.

Once we passed the metal detectors and were finally let inside the set, I was struck by how small it was. Cameras and angles blow up a musty auditorium half the size of the Oxford gym into a fancy technological cathedral of huge proportions. After all, this is Hollywood. The four of us were comfortably seated on the bleachers and ready to welcome host Jeff Foxworthy to the stage when one of the production managers, a white woman, told me and my friend our shirts were too bright and reflecting the light. They had us switch places with – surprise, surprise – two handsomely dressed black gentlemen. People just won’t let them alone, won’t they?

In my quest to discover my future profession, I have only had success in eliminating jobs I know I cannot stand. After the screening, I added one more to my list: the poor bastard who has to signal the audience to clap and laugh throughout the screening. The guy said he had completed eight screenings before we came that afternoon. That’s about 96 times he’s had to fight for the crowd’s fake laughter and about twice as many for applause. Living is hard, man.

Another thing I learned about game shows – they are nowhere near as intense or dramatic as they seem on television. Really, the only person nervous in the room is the contestant. When the woman on our show was getting ready to make a pretty important $5000 decision, there was a sense that neither the audience nor the host really gave a damn. I suspect this is not always the case in shows where more money is involved or the audience actually participates, like Who Wants to Be a Millionare. Still, the incredibly pedestrian nature of the whole affair was startling. People are walking out of there with thousands of dollars!

Some other notables from the actual show:

-One of the fifth graders aiding the contestants was a real smart black kid named Malakai. Actually, all three of the fifth graders were really smart, but I found myself rooting most heartily for Malakai. What a name.

-One of the contestants was a white female junior high teacher from Tennessee with a thick Southern accent. She had loads of trouble trying to figure out the question, “True or false. The sum of any two odd numbers is even.” She was confused because seven plus eight is fifteen.

-There were at least three questions I couldn’t answer. One asked for the two states from which the first five presidents of the U.S. originated. The second asked for the state that has the yucca plant as its state flower. The third had something to do with Greeks.

-Jeff Foxworthy is not as bad a comic as I thought he was. He thinks well on his feet and cracked a couple funny jokes.

-Toward the end of the show, my friend and I, who had been forced to switch seats with two handsomely dressed black gentlemen earlier, were told our bright shirts were reflecting too much light again. We were told to switch seats with – surprise, surprise – two handsomely dressed black women.

Next up: Hot Latina waitress at sushi restaurant